News of the imminent replacement of Mumbai’s fleet of ageing, sorry taxis must fill everyone with joy. For the vehicles are a disgrace to any city, let alone a city that prides itself on being international, India’s gateway etc, never mind such claims are far from the truth.

And as someone condemned eternally to spend his commuting life in the backseat of the rickety Premier Padminis, having already done this for more than four years, I think I am eminently qualified to write on why Mumbai’s existing taxi service needs to go.

For one, it is a ripoff. Two years have passed since the changeover to CNG, but the meters are still set to diesel rates. Which means for two years Mumbai’s taxi users have been forking out higher fare, and no one – not the transport secretary, consumer activists or the ever-vigilant PIL brigade – seem to be bothered. And talking of meters, when do you think was the last time they were calibrated? Must have been before my time, which puts it into Noah’s era.

But the vehicles, the vehicles. Few of them are well-maintained and fit for the road. Most of them – at least the ones I have traveled in, and I have traveled in plenty – are so badly maintained that they give a healthy human spinal and cervical problems. Ask me, I should know. Do they even have shock absorbers, I have often wondered, or do they run on plain chassis? The seats are bumpy, the insides are hardly cleaned, henceforth they must come with a statutory warning like for cigarettes.

Even if you ignore the state of the vehicle, the drivers are in most cases no better. Most of them are third-gear wonders, unable to accelerate on an empty stretch, or ignorant of downshifting while climbing a flyover. Regardless, they will occupy the fast lane, leading to road rage for other motorists.

In a free-market economy such a service is a disgrace. But so far the Bombay Taximen’s Union has managed to stave off a decision to replace them. I think they are only delaying the inevitable.